20 steps
by Falling Tears of Death
Summary: a look at Roose through 20 things.oc.. Later when Yagami asks him why he is so indecisive Roose will recall leaving his sickly thin mother. rr don't own them


A/N: Ok so for those aka insanetrio who might be waiting for the next chapter of my other story…its written I'm just lazy. This is completely made up…I don't believe the series ever talks about Roose's mother so if it did and I've ruined something then I'm sorry.

_/All in letters bound in string  
Life is slowly unraveling  
She sells  
Empty sea shells  
She sells  
Empty sea shells/_

1. Chizu Sawamura is married sometime in winter. It's nothing fancy, her family is poor and her husband is not much better. She wishes she could say she married him for love, but she was never a good liar. She does care for him though so she supposes that makes things better.

2. Chizu is only 23. She already has grey hairs though, they mix enchantingly with her black hair although in the light sometimes it looks violet. Sometimes she feels pretty though lately she feels old. She's already worrying about the future and no matter how hard she tries…it scares her.

3. Slowly but surely, Chizu and her husband fall into the rhythm of marriage. She tells herself things could be worse. So her husband works at the building center examining pilot equipment and Chizu stays home and cleans…she tries not to think about leaving her family.

4. When she's 25 Chizu discovers religion. And it comforts her. She thinks she's a cross between Buddhism and Christianity. Reincarnation is nice to believe in but so is having a guardian angel to save her. So Chizu worships at temples and prays obsessively. She tells god she's so tired of fearing victim, so tired of having the fear that she gave up everything to create this life just to have it blown away. And Chizu brings her offering to Buddha…she asks him that when she comes back she wants to live by the ocean…a real ocean.

5. Bit by bit Chizu finds it harder to be happy. She hates the colony. She hates the people. And secretly, she even hates the pilots. Sometimes, she feels trapped by it all. She knows no amount of running or moving or cleaning can erase that. And everyday her husband comes home he smells like oil. Sometimes in her mind she imagines the oil seeping in his skin, toxic and deadly, she imagines it seeping in all the colonist skins and can hear them saying goddess come save us…please come save us.

6. One day Chizu realizes she hates her husband. Hates him in a way words can't explain. She feels her life's uncontrollable failure is his fault somehow. She hates him even more when he leaves every morning at 7 am and smiles that crooked smile…for goddess he says—for goddess.

7. When Chizu is 27 she realizes she is pregnant. She doesn't know whether to laugh or scream. When her husband and her find out it's a boy he hugs her and tells her that their son will become a pilot one day…just watch. Instead of laughing or screaming Chizu just cries.

8. As time passes Chizu begins to think a baby wouldn't be so bad. For the first time in a really long time she doesn't feel so alone. She begins to talk to him, and everytime he kicks she thinks he's trying to talk back. For the first time in a really long time Chizu feels happy.

9. So sometime between the 7th and 9th month Chizu decides she will love him. Finally she feels this is her son and no matter what happens she will love him. And she will give him everything…he will be happy and he will be loved. He will not know how much less he has then his friends, or that victim could kill him, or that his parents were never honestly in love. He is her son and he will be happy and safe because she knows he is beautiful and he deserves nothing less.

10. When he is born his father is not at the hospital. Chizu is almost upset but is still too in awe of this moment. She holds him and can hear her husband's words replaying in her mind. For a split second she feels angry and wants to throw his child across the room. But the moment passes and she decides he will be Roose…Roose Sawamura and he will be everything he dreams to be.

11. Weeks pass and Chizu's husband is nowhere to be found. She isn't shocked that she doesn't miss him at all. She finally feels like her life is beginning. Now at 28 with barely a black hair left in her head she feels she belongs. Here with her son.

12. By 35 Chizu has given up on religion. She now obsesses over her only son. She cooks for him everyday and gives him everything he wants if only to make him happy. Chizu goes weeks without eating to buy him toys or to buy him the special choclate he loves so much. She wants him to be happy. Chizu really wants him to be happy…here with her.

13. So she remembers the day better than any other day when he's 10 and tells her he thinks it would be cool to be a pilot. Chizu bites her tounge and painfully squeezes out a smile. She tells him he can be anything he dreams to be, but reminds him that at G.O.A. there is no mommy and no choclate. She almost feels bad when his face falls. Chizu thinks age might teach you many things but it doesn't make a person any less selfish.

14. Chizu resents the day Roose has his 1st EX reaction. She remembers how totally helpless she feels and how she holds him trying to understand the glowing and the way he's subtly changing. It hurts her to hold him but Chizu decides she's not letting go till he's ok and if the car won't start she'll carry him all the way to the doctor's office. When they finally told her…she remembers and almost hates herself for the regret she feels and the disappointment. She regrets taking him here and almost wishes she left him withering on the floor in pain.

15. Roose is 12 when Chizu hits him for the first time. He is young and naïve and hasn't learned how to tell when he's upsetting someone just yet. To oblivious to realize his words although not spoken with cruel intent are hurting his poor mother. He tells her with a confidence she's never heard from him before that he will be a pilot and if he's not a pilot he'll help them someway somehow. Even if he's only the janitor for the kitchen the pilots eat at. For a moment Chizu hates him and her hand hits his cheek before she can stop herself. Later Chizu cooks Roose the most expensive meal she's ever made. She doesn't let herself eat for 2 months.

16. At 40 years old Chizu feels her world is unraveling. She clings desperately to the pieces. She decides she hates the person she becomes and sometimes feels she has permanently damaged Roose's life. She wonders what he will do without her. She thinks she has sheltered him…has created him in a way so that he won't leave her like she left her parents. Not because she loved him, although that is true, but because she really did hate being alone. Chizu decides she's the most selfish person she knows.

17. Roose is 13 when he finally asks about his family. Chizu has never felt so trapped. She decides being a mother is a difficult scary thing. Chizu is caught between a rock in a hard place…she is not a good liar yet she knows telling Roose she left her colony to get away from victim will only further his obsession. Chizu begins to bite her nails obsessively…she almost wishes she was still religious and could seek guidance for this. Instead she opts for a blending of the two—she tells him her family died when she was young and that she moved away. She doesn't mention his father and Roose doesn't ask. Sometimes she's convinced her husband never existed.

18. Roose is also 13 when Chizu hits him for the 2nd and final time. It was the day Roose realized he didn't have as much as the other kids. He asks her if they are poor. When she looks in his eyes she swears she can see the same unhappiness and discontent she felt all her life. She swears she can feel everything she gave up everything for--coming apart. Chizu screams and cries and pulls all the government given food out of the cupboards. She lays all his clothes in a pile on the floor and begins to throw them in a childlike tantrum. She shoves at him and bangs her frail hands against his chest sobbing for everything…for everything. Later that night she will walk his clothes to a shop and beg them to re-sow them so they look new. And she will walk back and fold everything neatly on the couch and then make him a dessert. She wants Roose to be happy, and she will do anything to make that happen.

19.Roose is just 14 when he finally has an EX reaction that scares her. Chizu will come home and see him on the floor, parts of his skin looking slimy and elastic as if he'd become some blob. One side of his body will be fat although she prefers to call him plump and the other side will be thinner than her frail wrist. Chizu will shriek and cry and carry him to the bathroom to bathe him. She will wrap him in a blanket and wait for it to pass. Chizu will pray for the 1st time in years. She will ask god to keep him safe at G.O.A. and to not let him become a pilot if he's not going to survive.

20. Soon after Roose will leave. Even though Chizu knows he has to leave she will always make him feel guilty about that choice. Later when Yagami asks him why he is so indecisive Roose will recall leaving his sickly thin mother. It won't be seconds after Roose steps on the ship that Chizu feels sick and tired and worried. She'll hold her cross tightly in her small hands and cry. She's already worrying about the future and no matter how hard she tries…it scares her.

/it's a dewdrop world  
surely it is...  
yes... but../

A/N: I read somewhere that Roose's EX ablitly was shape shifting and that's how he transformed that quickly. The 1st quote is from Sai's song seashells. The second is a haiku by issa-- This haiku was written on the one-year anniversary of the death of Issa's firstborn child, the boy Sentarô. It has a one-word prescript: "Grieving." According to Buddhist teaching, life is as fleeting as a dewdrop and so one should not grow attached to the things of this world. Issa's response: "and yet..." Also Chizu means longevity or a thousand cranes…I chose her name for a reason. I actually like this character…I'm attached to her in a way but enough of my rambling…

Please read/review thank you.


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